I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
