i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
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