At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I cockslap morals
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Randomize
