There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
