I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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