I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
