dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
