I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
