Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
