but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
