Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
