3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
organizing the empties. That sober.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
