Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize