TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
