You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I am full of burrito and curiosity
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Randomize