How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Semen is not good for contacts.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
