apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
