If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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