Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
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