Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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