You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
It's not a walk of shame if you run
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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