fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
