Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
only if we run a train.
done.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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