Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
