just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
