idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
