I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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