Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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