You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
