Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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