Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
