Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
