found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
