listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
