apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
