I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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