I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize