Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
