listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize