Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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