I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
