this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Randomize
