You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
