my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
