The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
