The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
