I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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