Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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