so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
The air taste purple.
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