Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
birth control should be required to get into college
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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