You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
