so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
