Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
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