Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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