It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
