Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
