I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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