Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Randomize
