HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
