You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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