This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
