My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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