Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
