Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
